Rate my poem?

The love poem.





Arms that open wide,


Eyes that say "I tried",


Lips that stole sweet kisses in the snow,


Flowers in the morgue,


Lights out on the porch,


Alone with but a memory,


My hardened body,


The whipped cream in the fridge,


The love that knows no reason,


The love that has no switch,


You can't turn it on and off,


The waxing of the moon,


The eyes that smile when tears subside and comfort in the gloom.

Rate my poem?
The first three lines are brilliant. After that, the work becomes muddled and disjointed. There is no attempt at either rhyme or meter; and the allusion to whipped cream in the fridge is out of place.





My advice is to reconfigure the work using the first three lines as a base. They form perfect trochaic measures, and are very artful indeed. The combination of trochaic feet and an "A-A-B" rhyme scan is reminiscent of Tennyson at his best.





Break up the poem into a series of three line stanzas -- all written in Trochee, and with the following scans:


AAB


CCD


EEF


AAB





Work on your imagery. Avoid bizarre images like whipped cream, and stay away from mundane, overused metaphors like "waxing moons" and "eyes that smile."





If you take care of your imagery and use your first three lines as a format, you can create a superior composition. Cheers.
Reply:8/10
Reply:sad
Reply:Grim...flowers in the morgue?


Dont give up the day job
Reply:8/10
Reply:ok , but there r lines where I can't understand how they "get along" with other lines. total : 3/5
Reply:7/10
Reply:nice
Reply:out of a 10, I will give you a 7
Reply:Loved it. It's deeply sweet.





10.
Reply:It isn't very good I'm afraid. Its sort of stream of consciousness stuff and doesn't draw the reader in. 3/10
Reply:Four out of five.
Reply:7/10
Reply:its good.. but u can get it more better.. i can give u 7 out of 10.


good work..