Do you like my poem?

give me your opinion.


thanks








Magical World





I believe in a magical place.


Where one can live in perfect grace.


A place where your troubles are no more.


A place where there’s peace and no war.


Beautiful flowers will always grow.


Even in the rain, sleet and snow.


The animals and humans will get along just fine.


Everyone will be happy with no reason to whine.


In this place, you won’t be afraid to speak your mind.


For everyone will love you and be really kind.


Dream of a place with no disease.


This is a perfect place everyone agrees.


You would be able to enjoy your life.


Live it with your children, husband, or wife.


But for this world to exist, we must be strong and believe.


By working together, this perfect world we shall receive.

Do you like my poem?
That's awesome, at first I thought it was going to be a little too happy and cheerful for me, but then I got down to the line w/ "You would be able to enjoy your life, ....." and I thought of heaven and...WALAH, there it was in the last line, I love it, AWESOME ending, I also like the couplet rhyming, I could really keep pace w/ the poem, but I have one suggestion...........add the word "where" before "everyone" in the 5th line from the bottom, it sounds better and that way it kind of tyes in w/ the second line, it will make it seem even more balanced, it will make the author's tone seem more consistent, Great poem, really, i mean it, Keep writing!!
Reply:omg thats really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:Are we turning VEGETARIANS?
Reply:that was really cute i like it
Reply:ok
Reply:It's nice to read a positive poem for once. So many that are posted on Yahoo answers are gloomy. Thanks for the nice poem.
Reply:Well first off:





THANK YOU FOR RHYMING. Brownie points right there.





Do pay attention to rhythm... say this poem aloud. If it doesn't 'flow' naturally, there's something hanging it up. Don't use periods so often. You have a lot of sentence fragments by doing that and it created natural 'breaks' in reading it... kind of destroys the rhythm and makes it choppy.





For example: say the first two lines out loud. Now say the last two out loud. Hear the difference? The last two lines are wordy and some of the vocabulary doesn't flow.





In addition, you may want to consider more vivid vocabulary. Right now it reads more like a definition or statement than a description. This has basically created no imagery. Imagery is nice. It draws in a reader.





Example: line 5. "Beautiful flowers will always grow". Well... okay, so what? What are these flowers like? This relies on the reader to accept that the flowers are indeed beautiful. "flowers" is a pretty generic words. "Grow"? Hardly poetic. Find a bunch of flowers growing somewhere... think of all the words that describe them. There's bound to be some more vibrant ones to use that convey the optimistic feeling you seem to be pushing.





Also: "humans" is one of the least poetic words I know of, I think. It's very... generic fantasy book-ish.





In summary: it's a nice idea, but lacks any energy or special flavor to it. I get the same kick from just writing "GEE THAT'S NICE". Give it life! A voice! Tell us what kind of animals! Etc.
Reply:sounds something like heaven. it is a great poem, and event hough I'm not really into poetry, I like it... ALOT.





--Your True Friend