Please read..."Life Among The Dead"...?

It's a WORK IN PROGRESS...but I would like to know what you think still...











I walk a cold mile everyday,


Just to lay back down into the snow,


This new world is different from yours in every way.





The trees here burn constantly,


The flowers appear to have wilted away,


I watch them as they slowly become bloody.





Every foot of ground is red,


Spotting white snow is really rare,


People speak but I can't hear what is said.





I walk a mile every single day,


Till I collapse into the bloody snow,


Each time I fall I seem to die a different way.





Wounds appear out of nowhere,


Then the blood begins to ooze slowly,


I'd trade my soul to be with you over there.





I walk a mile on this day,


But this time as I fall to the snow,


Lying in front of me is your lifeless body.





Skin so pale and eyes so wide,


Blood runs from your forearm quickly,


I tell myself your not here, that you havn't died.

Please read..."Life Among The Dead"...?
I like it. It's very heartbreaking tho'. Not that that's a bad thing. Keep working on it. Btw they sound like song lyrics.
Reply:I like it a lot.
Reply:Hi. I'm not really sure if what you have written is about you because to be honest, I also write sad poems and stories which are way too far from the real me.





However, I find the poem simple yet affective. Well, that is because I understand it and I liked how you play with the narrative.





You said it's a work in progress...yes, it's got a long way to go.





Good luck.
Reply:Its pretty good, I'd work on the last few stanzas more. Your imagery becomes repetitive in the end, I don't know if that is a style choice or not. It shows you are looking at life in a different way but build on that by expanding the expressive images. You have the creativity obviously, blood can be conveyed in many different ways.
Reply:Not bad at all,





I like the first three paragraphs, five is okay and the last one.


When it comes to the two other ones, you might want to stay away from the snow and find other ways to talk about it,


actually the fifth could go without me missing a thing.


You give away to much of the end...as well as the title could be less dramatic...





Big effects always define a lack of confidence, no matter what.





Keep going.