What do u guys think of this poem?

i named it lost forever. its for extra credit in english. btw im only 13 so dont be too hard on me im not a professional :)





There’s a girl I used to know,


She had this skin,


Skin pale as snow,


But her eyes,


They blossomed like young spring flowers.


Yet she hid her face,


With an invisible mask


And all the world just wondered


How this happened


Why this happened


And she quietly sits,


Making less noise than a sleeping giraffe,


As close to the window as possible


And she wonders


“What really went wrong?”


And she continues to sit,


And wonder.


Until time brings an end to her thoughts


That’s when the world stops


Finally stops


Stops wondering about that girl


And memories of her,


Her skin pale as snow


Her blossoming eyes,


They’re gone,


All gone.


Lost forever.





so... is that okayish sounding??

What do u guys think of this poem?
i think it really nice except for the part of the sleeping giraffe find something else like the footsteps of a shadow or snow fall stuff like dat but otherwise nice!
Reply:I like it but yeah you might want to change the sleeping giraffe thing but it was good one of the best poems i've ever heard
Reply:The best poem i've ever heard! Awesome, i want more!
Reply:This is pretty good XD maybe you can change giraffe to lion?
Reply:pretty cool!





the only think I think is corny is the "Making less noise than a sleeping giraffe" part.





other than that it was pretty good.
Reply:It's long and good
Reply:i think that the only part that was a little wierd was the whole "Making less noise than a sleeping giraffe" that doesn't make much sense, otherwise, i love it!
Reply:this is very touching and very good. it make you stop and think what was really on her mind and what had really hurt her. keep writing
Reply:i love it. wat to u think of this one:








When I was a child,


I played by myself in the corner of the schoolyard,


All alone.


I hated dolls and I hated games.


Animals were not friendly,


Birds flew away.


If anyone was looking for me,


I hid behind a tree and called out,


I AM AN ORPHAN!


Now here I am,


Writing these poems,


Imagine.
Reply:it sounds like it could be lyrics to a song


nice.
Reply:Yea I liked it alot but yea the giraffe thing through some of it off other than that excellent say something like silent the spirits that passed
Reply:Good Job!


For the line you are considering changing you could try...


Silent as a meandering summer breeze


or


Soundless as the butterflies flight (or replace "flight" with "dancing wings")





Ummm, yeah - if I had more time I could give you more, but alas, work beckons me back to reality. Good luck!
Reply:wow...i like it! better than my poems! lol it's beautiful! and i can see hints of repitition, metaphors and similes! lol definately for english! i wish my teacher couls assign us something like this! poopy! oh well...thirteen eh? me too! when is ur bday? mines may! so close to the damn CST's! xP lol *high five! eighth grade pride!* lol! it's great to see somone my own age on here...it's mostly...no offense to the "older" people ...but everyone else is....old....lol xD yay! *high five we'll be freshies next year!* lol i'm crazy right now be cause i just had a venti caremel frapp! lol xD


~deadly poetry
Reply:its good :)

barber